My kidneys hurt. Story of my life. Except for just right kidney, I am now both kidneys. Ugh.
No drive to get my media kit done, even though this will likely be a huge part of my portfolio…. If I ever go into PR.
I’m in a weird mood…. I think it’s the weather. I am so over the cold. The 80+ degree weather is what I love.
I think I’m getting really depressed about going through surgery again. It knocked me down so hard last time, I’m not sure I’m back up again…. Regardless of the actual cause, I’m sure the cause of my constant need for craziness is due to some aspect involving my back… surgery/the fact that I still am in miserable pain/having to “retire”/not being able to work out….
Some days life feels so fucking great I don’t know what to do. And others, I’m like what the hell am I doing, this isn’t where I want to be.
Law school is looming, I want to pukeee.
I wish I could find a rad promotions job….
But could I handle being poor for a while? Ha questions loom…
I love this Tumblr app, just sayin.
Maybe as much as “Stripped Down Version” by Butch Walker :)
This isn't what my life was supposed to be about - [then start living right]
I was watching this really stupid movie a little while ago, but there was a memorable quote, which I forget the exact words too…. But, it really reitterated something I need to remember - If life isn’t the way you want it to be, you need to do something about it - make the necessary changes. Start now, don’t put it off. There are obviousloy limitations to things you can do this exact second but making changes starting today is the only way to be :)
It’s so easy to think about how you want things to be, and think you’ll do something about it a week, a month, 6 months from now, next year… but then it always gets delayed.
I’m literally nauseous. It’s finally becoming reality, in the most horrific way. Days left until I tell them, which will be like a weight off my chest but at the same time the thought makes me never want the weight to be gone. I’m not sure I can breathe without it. I’m crying thinking about it. This is one of, if not, the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I’m not sure what else I have. This is my identity. This is all I have known for the last 8 years. This is WHO I AM. This is what I am, This is all I do. I am scared out of my mind. What if there is nothing else I am ever good at in my life.
Life plan. Live on a strawberry farm in California, not far from the ocean, ideally with mountain views, wonderful green land :) warm sunny weather - spend my days managing and promoting some talented musicians.
Travel the world, for work and play.
Yeah, life might just be perfect if that could come true.
If only all of my bestest friends could live with me on my strawberry farm.
just because you know it’s inevitable doesn’t make it any better 12:28 AM Nov 17th from mobile web there does eventually become a point where you draw the line (i think, i hope, i pray, i know?)
i can’t pretend to like it, love it, i just can not fake it, it’s not what it used to be…. holding on as long as I can - I need change. 9:31 PM Nov 2nd from web I don’t care if it’s running away……. 9:30 PM Nov 2nd from web if you have no hope in me, how should I find hope in myself? 9:30 PM Nov 2nd from web What if I just don’t love it anymore? 7:27 PM Nov 2nd from txt
So since law school is looking more and more like what I shall do, I think this summer will have to be more about
- checking out law schools, which is a good thing, because that means travel! : )
- but staying back here and interning and working, to save money for all the travel
- super prepping for the June LSAT, in case prep for this february LSAT doesn’t go quite as planned….
I sort of just want to do really really well on the LSAT to prove I’m smart again. I have been “stupid” for so long that so many people fail to realize how smart I used to be. I think I can be that again, no, I know I can be that again. My big goal is 170. I have no idea how hard that is, but I think anything 165 and over is pretty good, but I’m seriously aiming for 170. I know everyone in the world would probably think I was INSANE but that’s okay! I’m going to give it all I got!! :)
If you can’t tell, track is becoming less and less of a top priority in my life…
I’m planning for my get away. I’m not sure if I’m running away or if a clean start is even polssible for me, the same problems will probably follow me - but all I want is a shot in a new place, and I want that place far from here. It’s not Grand Rapids, it’s more everything else. I’m too close to home and history, yes 3 1/2 hrs is way to damn close. I keep getting sucked back into what I don’t want to be a part of.
548 til graduation. April 30th, 2011. :D if I’m still throwing, then I’ll have to wait til May 30th (ish) to leave, so my countdown gets pushed back to 578 days.
I think I can handle that. The plan for now is be ready and prepared. I am going to join PRSSA at semester, whether I want too or not, it’s something I MUST do, I can’t keep saying I’m going too and not…. I should pick something else too - my resume could use a little more.
I am applying for a ton of amazing internships this summer in LA, but also one or two here and probably a couple other places. I think spending a summer in LA will give me a good chance to get an intro too it, maybe make some contacts? Apply for some jobs? I guess I’m not even completely sure how early in advance you need to apply for jobs, so I need to find all of that stuff out!
All I know is I’m making this happen because I won’t make it if I don’t. I’m miserable and hating this right now. I’m SO sick of school and my back is one of the most insane things I’ve had to deal with and is literally draining me of all sanity/positivity/energy/drive/etc.
So, I finally watched the movie “W”…. now I have been wanting to see it since I saw it advertised, but something else always came up when it came time to rent movies.
First, I’d like to start with the fact that I had no idea that this movie was as serious as it was - I thought the movie was a comedy about GW and the mistakes he has made.
Second, I will admit, I knew very little about politics when Bush got elected. In 2000, I was in the 6th grade and randomly chose to support John McCain. I made signs with markers and hung them from my desk at school - I guess I was always a conservative at heart, even though I didn’t know it yet : ) Anyways, from most of 2003-2006, my belief system went through a lot of changes and I was very liberal, even agnostic and an aetheist at one point - far from my Catholic upbringing. I think I got caught up in the teenage rebellion of authority. I was listening to the “Rock Against Bush” cds, I loved Anti-Flag, I listened to NOFXs anti-political and anti-war lyrics and just got absorbed. My chucks had “anti-flag, anti-war, anti-american” written on them. I have come such a long way. I’ve GROWN UP for the most part. I am a full Catholic, I suppose I always was, just strayed off the path for a while. And while I do still listen to “politically charged anthems” by such bands, I am a conservative and supported the Republican party. Before I even sat down to watch this movie, when Bush’s presidency was coming to an end - I truly realized - It wouldn’t have mattered who was in office or what choice they made, nothing would have satisfied our entire country or the world for that matter. I came to the conclusion that Bush and our government did the best that they could, and made decisions based on what they thought was the best idea at the time. You can’t sit around and blame them for what they thought was right - seeing as how that’s what anyone in such position, or in any position, would do.
Now to the movie - I honestly feel more sympathetic than ever for George W, I am not sure how much of the movie is completely accurate, what is dramaticized or made up - but I couldn’t watch that movie without feeling empathy at the least. His life wasn’t perfect.
I feel like people should think more about how they can relate to him, he’s a person- just like the rest of us.
I got off topic, and elaborated more on my political views than I intended. But regardless, it was not a happy movie - but life isn’t always happy and truth isn’t always happy and it’s important to know that.
i try not to be judgemental, but sometimes i fail.
i want so much more out of life than this,
and i want it all for you too.
i’m totally overdramatic sometimes.
i have mastered “bitch” in more ways than one.
but i care, so much more than anyone could guess.
i truly, truly care - even if i can’t or don’t show it.
it’s hard, it’s easy, it’s something i can’t explain.
i’m learning why real silence scares me,
so i’m also learning that i never let myself experience it.
i’m hurt; maybe i’ll heal, maybe i won’t.
the emotional is so much more than the physical,
in more ways than one, too.
i love to love, hate to hate and want to save everyone.
i wish life could workout the way we want it too.
a lot of bad things have happened to me,
more than a few that aren’t my fault,
or at least that’s what i’m trying to learn…
but some bad things were my own making,
and i have to live with that forever.
my life isn’t terrible, but it isn’t easy either.
i love it, i hate it, i just can’t stand not having “this”
some of the people i know are so amazing,
i truly can be brought to tears, but some are so terrible
that i feel the same response.
if i know you, we will probably fight,
words hurt more than fists, just remember that.
some of my mistakes i might never learn from,
some of them i’ll never understand,
some of them i do, yet my repition is utter failure.
you won’t understand, or maybe you all do,
maybe i’m completely predictable.
the idea of this makes me laugh, just a little bit.
we’re all predictable in our own little ways,
even when we’re unpredictable.
sometimes, we fight just so i know you care,
sometimes we fight because i care too much,
or sometimes it’s because i can’t, or don’t, care at all.
i like to think i know much,
but somedays it feels like so little.
one thing i know is i want to know more, everyday.
i want to figure this mess out, clean it up,
get rid of the baggage, get rid of the chains….
there’s so much good i can do,
i just can’t forget it, there’s so much i’m capabale of -
but i’m always forgetting that.
someday i hope someone was truly glad they knew me,
someday i hope my life meant something,
someday i hope my pain helped somebody,
someday…. i just don’t know.
don’t read what i write and try to interpret. even if you know me really well, you still probably couldn’t begin to understand the meaning behind each of these words. i don’t sit down to have meaning, i sit down and the words come with their predetermined meaning. don’t expect that you know me, don’t judge me, don’t copy me, don’t label me…. i’m me. the bitch in me wants to say “go fuck yourself” but the good in me wants to say if you can’t take me as a i am, then let me go and live your life the best you can, and hope the same for me.